When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
