Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
