Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
