At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize