I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
