just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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