Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
