guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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