Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
