I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
