I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
