He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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