Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
