I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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