She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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