Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
