Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
