Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize