My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
