It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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