Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
