I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
