Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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