Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
