i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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