my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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