All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
