the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
