i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
