It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
