I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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