this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
