So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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