Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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