why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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