the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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