Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
whose parrot is this?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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