I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize