Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
