i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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