I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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