Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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