So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
im on a boat
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