Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
