i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize