i don't like sucking hair
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
