I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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