I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
