her facebook's as public as her vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
