There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
