Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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