Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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