My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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