Your face is a jimmy john
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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