Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
