shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize