I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
